can't run anymore.
can we cut to the chase?
maybe it ain't the same no more.
different.
crossroads.
opposing routes.
but why?
i am having a soliloquy with myself,
and i know i can never find the answers.

you're not you anymore.
and me,
i'm a better me.

what hurts the most
is being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away

i was having a conversation with weeejf about some wacky ideas for a marketing project. well, i never came up with any wacky cool ideas but i did learn something. i brought up the maslow hierarchy of needs and she told me there's a new maslow hierarchy of needs which is an exact inverse of the original that most of us have learnt before, i hope. it set me thinking. and i am pro this new inverted maslow hierarchy of needs.

in this newly evolved world that we are now living in, it is so much easier to fulfil the once-thought to be highest level on the maslow pyramid. even self-actualization doesn't seem like quite the big deal anymore. We have everything our ancestors from generations before lusted after and more. It is so easy to fulfil the materialistic needs that drives up our esteem. but the simpler, more basic needs are more often than not, overlooked.

it is not a very pleasing discovery. what has our world become? what are we becoming? this advancement in technology and life and everything else related is in fact, a downward spiral in which the simplest but most important things in life have been long forgotten.

are you running?

am i chasing?

am i supposed to?

this is getting too depressingly black and black and blacker still, for my liking.

if we hold on together

don't lose your way
with each passing day
you've come so far
don't throw it away

live believing dreams are for weaving
wonders are waiting to start

live your story
faith hope and glory
hold to the truth in your heart

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

 

it's another friday afternoon. it is approaching evening and no, maxxie is not around today. there's joy in just sitting around waiting for the time to be up. and it keeps me wondering, how life would be like when school is out and i no longer have the luxury of my own space and time.

you know, i should be worried. about school work. about all the lessons i have missed because i was just plain lazy or disinterested. but i am not. why worry when you're going to need to get through it anyway? so it's another friday afternoon that i sit here promising myself that this is the last time i'm going to be this relaxed about school and start being more hardworking next week. guess what? it always fails.

i really miss maxxie.

let's forget yesterday and plunge into the adventures of tomorrow.

if we all had memories that could be erased, i would spare no thought for anyone. and if we all had emotions we could control, i would throw away everything i ever had and indulge in everything i have now. but we don't. you don't. you don't. nobody does. and so there's a need for tact and for writing what it really means without creating pain.

无数个夜晚 任性的被你宠坏
我曾想就这样耍赖
如今默默呼吸孤单
失去了什麼 还剩下什麼 不再等待
面对你慷慨 无节制的爱
我该不该 勇敢的离开
 
对自己坦白 爱狠狠的 还在
找朋友陪伴 都比不过 另一半
泪在眼里打转 爱已变成黑白
找不到答案 也不想谎言主宰
对彼此坦白 我们真的失败
背叛不是意外 就算承诺不再
新欢成了旧爱 爱的没了姿态
我会释怀 让时间把一切都冲淡

every first waking moment is spent being confused. not really sure of where i really am. who i really am. what i am really doing. and every night is spent being unsure. uncertain that i'll ever wake up feeling sane again.

it has been so long and you sit at the same spot in my heart and you might be feeling the same pain i am feeling when i think about how far away you are right now. but it is inevitable. and i sometimes question myself why and what made us the way we are today. so many things i wish i could say but it serves no purpose anymore but to hurt you further so maybe someday you will listen to me without feeling it i don't know. how can you if i can't.

there're so many things running through my mind all the time but there's no point in telling anyone anymore.

i don't want to know anything associated with pain.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh,” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

the usual senses that should infiltrate my emotions are on a holiday.

it is such a nice warm feeling to wake up to your face smiling back at me. and you don't know how cute it is when you say that you want me to sleep with you tonight because you sleep better with me by your side.

i spent every sleepless night thinking about you and about us and about how we have come to where we are and wondering where it is we are heading. and then i realise that i don't have to think because you're right here beside me and that's what really matters.

the future is unknown, and it could well not be in the grasps of our hands. we need to cherish the times we have now. for every circumstance that brought us to each other, i am thankful. for every little way that we are able to spend so much time and laughter together, i am grateful. and for the friends who remind me time and time again how envious they are of us, i know for sure that you and i, we're so lucky and i will treasure the moment right now.

thank you for patting me back to sleep and then trying to sooth my throat by putting your hands on it last night. =D

you made me realise how i always blog the saddest things. when your heart is heavy, it is so easy for the words to flow and flow as though they can take over the tears that refuse to stain your face. but recently i have been less melancholic in my writing. there is hope.

jealousy is a very very tiring emotion and i am going to eliminate it. =D there is no point in being jealous because you're incurring your own wrath and wasting your own time and emotions on useless things that won't change and they probably aren't even that important or affective but you're affected simply because you allow yourself to be.

it is tiring to guess and second guess what is really going on in somebody's mind but i realise it really is a waste of time when you can just ask and get a direct answer. and because you're so candid with me it is easy to put myself in your shoes and begin to understand you day by day. it's so amazing how close we have become almost inseparable and yet i know so little of you but i know so much at the same time. it is intriguing and exciting and every day is brand new and i learn something about you all the time you keep me smiling.

i can tell you all the things that go through my mind but they come and go so quickly sometimes it's hard to tell which are the emotions that will stay.

i finally discovered a theory today. it is a very powerful theory. very useful. very....good to bear in mind and i think it is what will make me better tomorrow.

i guess i'll never know, why sparrows love the snow.

i guess i'll never know, how did we fall so deep
i guess i'll never know, why do you love me so
but what i do know is, like what you've said,
we're falling deeper and deeper. =D

happy times are here. and happier blog entries will surface more now.

it has been 45 valentine's days with you.

Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m
scared of what I feel, of what I’ve said,
of who I am, but most of all I’m scared of
walking out of this room and never feeling
the rest of my life the way I feel when I’m with you.

"I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we’re wrong for each other, wondering whether we’ve got the energy that we need to get through everything that we seem to get into, whether the baggage we both bring would sink a small ship. But in the 24th hour, I realize I’ve been thinking about you for 23 hours and I come back to there’s something about you I can’t stay away from. Something about you that makes me want you."

i want you =D

we run because we want to be chased.
or because we are afraid.
or because we just want to run away.
but we really run because we want to be chased.

what if,
we run and nobody comes after us?

it has been a tumultuous week filled with the happiest and most bitter moments. seems to me that this has been what i've been waiting for, knowingly or unknowingly. you're probably going to happen to me sooner or later and you are now here with me. it is nice to just hold your sweaty hands and walk around like there's nothing in this world that matters except you and me.

difficult as it is to face the music, i have and i'm proud of myself. dealing with misunderstandings. dealing with pain. dealing with hurt. dealing with people who don't know what the heck it is they are doing making me sit and cry in bed at 5am in the morning. but these people are dealing with misunderstandings, pain and hurt as well. sometimes when you begin to think this way, it isn't that hard anymore just letting things go. i prefer to face the music with you than to not see not know not hear anything.

and then you're always there for me with arms open wide. you're always ready to smile your happy smile at me and make me smile at you in return. always there to hold the gate for me, to pat me back to sleep when i wake u coughing, to walk me back from class and just be with me any time of the day and night. it is amazing how i will be spending almost five 24 hours with you if we didn't have classes. day and night. and never get enough.

there are aches inside that cannot help but surface at odd regularity but you know it is all worth the while when i look forward to the time we can finally rest our hearts and minds and as we lie in bed together just talking and falling asleep together, i understand why i'm willing to go through all the shit. and every morning i wake up to your smile and your scent, you're so beautiful.

together.

Been up all night staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way with so many before 
but this feels like the first time

You want the sunrise to go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue

Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And no need to worry
That's wasting time
And no need to wonder what's been on my mind
It's you
It's you
It's you

Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight

And I give up
I let you win
You win 'cause I'm not counting

You made it back to sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming 

every of my fears came true. what am i supposed to do?

it's day one. and nothing has changed except that deep down inside i feel settled. i feel more grounded now than i've ever had. hope it doesn't take the fun away. i guess it wouldn't, we are so funny.

you say time will tell us how we will turn out. three months. i say time will make us love each other more. cos baby if you realised, our relationship has already defied time in more than one way or two.

i guess i've been foolish to be thinking of things that make me feel upset. but i can only guess that it is because i have given a piece of my heart away and you're going to be taking away bigger pieces yet and so the fear mounts but you have a way of making it subside.

when you take my hand, i feel proud to be walking beside you. when you hold me close, the world has crumbled away and there's only just me and you. yes, it's just you and me against the world.

i could write about you forever. and i could go on forever about how i want to write about you. and so i will put it stop to it now and let you listen to the words i don't say cos i know you hear my heart and you hear it so well. =D

this is the last day on earth that i'm going to be twenty two. it kind of sucks cos twenty three just sounds so old. but ah well. gonna make this day count.

it's a sunny friday afternoon and it's approaching evening time. when everything slows down. when there's nobody really around. when it's just me and maxxie in my cosy little room. and i'm thinking about certain this and that. and wondering to myself why i start thinking about this and that when i'm left alone and when the sun is beginning to go down. i sit with the door open. listening to the sounds of the birds chirping. are they looking for each other? who am i looking for?

and my dear maxxie, you're so cute. you just. melt my heart and make me want to love you more. are you happy that your bedding has been changed? or do you miss the old smells? get used to it alright, i'm going to change it often and bathe you often. then you can have brand new starts all the time. unlike us. unlike me. unlike humans like us. you're just a little pet hamster and i will love and care for you so you won't have to worry about insecurities and sadness. i'll give you a towel when it gets cold at night with the aircon at 23 degrees. i'll bring you down to visit my friends. and i'll secretly feed you more treats than your other owner allows. i'll be your wonderwall.

dear me, myself and i. how i wish i could feel as free as can be. how i wish time can just stop at this very moment while i embrace these very carefree and happy moments of my life. how i wish guilt doesn't ever exist. and how i wish the future will never come so that i can forever and ever be holding onto your sweaty hands.

i think it's beginning to get to me. and it's time i considered my options. it's time i stop playing around with my own heart and think about what it is i want. or maybe it's just time to let go of all my emotions and just enjoy every little moment that i'm holding on to now. because today will never come back and tomorrow may never come. yesterdays will only fade away. slowly but surely.

and love, my dear love, you're talented in taking my breath away, every single day.

uncertainties make fears. fears make me tremble.

how i wish i would be able to hold everything close to me and never have to let go of what i don't want to let go. how i wish i could trust with a heart full and not so half-heartedly. how i wish some things don't exist in life but they have to. how i wish i could fly. i'd bring you along with me.

because love isn't possession. because you didn't know that. and because you didn't want that. and so now we are no longer friends. not just you. but you and you and you. what's wrong with you. life is a neverending process of love and love gone so why choose to embrace it so much and throw it all away. the good parts and the bad. when lovers can no longer be friends, it says a lot about the love in the first place, doesn't it?

disappointed. but life goes on. 

“My chest feels full of glitter and helium, the way it used to when I was little and riding my father’s shoulders at twilight, when I knew that if I held up my hands and spread my fingers like a net, I could catch the coming stars.” 

this must be what love feels like.

there're so many people in this life whom we have met, whom we're going to meet. but i never knew there's going to be someone like you. you're not part of my plan, even the most complicated plans didn't have you. i didn't write your name in the clouds but i'm saying your name now like it means something more. and maybe it's more than what we are having now.

it's so easy to change. how can we trust anyone and anything? but it is even harder to turn away from you. how can i turn my back on someone like you? but love is such a scary thing it robs your sanity and strips you down till you're feeling naked in the sunlight and moonlight.

when you're feeling just a little out of sorts. like you believed in something so strongly one day and the next day that feeling seems to not feel that right anymore what do you do? what do you do when you feel so insecure and unsure of yourself and everything and everyone that's around you? and then you realise that if she cares about you enough she will know. she will know when you're feeling just slightly unsettled. even if it doesn't show on your face. even if she thinks your hands shook because you were excited and not sad. she still feels the way you're feeling down and tries her best to carry you through it.

i feel like a little angel who's being given my wings. you've given me a good pair of wings. wings that make me want to fly to you. like a little star shining in the dark, i want to light your way into the dawn and sing you a melody till you fall asleep.

how time seems to be standing still yet we're travelling through time so quickly.