冰上的世界

脑海中还在旋转

望着你慢慢忘记你

the irony of those song lyrics i love so much. crooning lyrics of forgetting a certain past. a certain memory of a past that is about to be forgotten. but it is there. written down. locked into a melody forever. telling you that you will never forget no matter how hard you try and don't try.

i think about people all the time. people who were once here with me. people who made an imprint in my life. i think about how i could have made a mark in their lives. i think about how i could have made their lives different. changed it for the better. and most of all, i think about whether they think about me the same way i think about them. whether they miss me. whether they would miss me. i think about whether they would come for my funeral. will they cry? what will they think. how will i die. what will they miss most about me when i die.

the truth is i never stop remembering the people and places and things and events that mattered to me. the memories are as fresh as they were yesterday. i have this talent of recalling memories from the depths of my heart. memories that i never even knew existed. just by catching a whiff of a familiar scent. or a familiar old place. or even a setting that is similar to a setting that i've been to. memories are pulled out from the depths of my heart and mind and it plays in my mind's eye. sometimes i don't even know if those memories are true because they are too clear.

there's a weakness in me. that weakness is the strength that i exert onto myself. of letting the people that mattered to me walk away from my life. the strength that holds me back from preventing them from walking away. the strength that tells me it's for the better. the strength that seems to be chivalry and self-sacrifice. but that strength is my greatest weakness.

my other weakness is that i trust too much. give too much. and realise too late that all human beings with no exception, they only believe what they want to believe. see what they wish to see. listen to what they wish to listen to. and turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to all they choose not to believe in. even when deep down inside they know they should follow their heart, it always fails them.

there is so much to say but words are just words. for the ignorant, these words are like poison which they fail to understand. for the knowledgeable, they can only weep at the affirmation that i'm writing to them.

what does matter in the end is that you all must come to my funeral when i die. cry for all the times we lost trying to outwit one another. smile for all the memories we made out of those bad times. and laugh at the folly of our actions. rejoice for our paths have crossed. say goodbye. the world does not stop.

橡树的绿叶啊

白色的竹篱笆

好想告诉我的她

这里像幅画

去年的圣诞卡

镜子里的复杂

画面开始没有她

我还在装傻

说好为我泡花茶

学习摆刀叉

学生宿舍空荡荡的家

守着电话却等不到她

reading the christmas card that you wrote for me last year. not knowing how i could have made things different. how i could have lessen the pain i caused you without wanting to. not knowing how you will no longer be in my life today. not knowing how i could have stayed on in your life.

you were a special kind of friend. the kind i knew i could run to. to count on. a friend who could love me for my flaws and be always there for me. but you chose to be a stranger.

until today, the spot that you sit on in my heart is still sore. sorely missing you, my friend.

Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead of what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn’t have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up.

but i still wished i could be growing up alongside you.

It's not like they knew how or didn't know how. It's not like I liked you or didn't like you. It's not even the sadness and bitterness the forgotten times we had we shared we took we kept we threw away like thrash. They all don't matter.

I'll tell you what matters. What matters is that you're fine and well. You, my friend. My cherished loved friend. You wouldn't believe it but I've always been around. Waiting to catch you when you slipped. But you never gave me a chance. You never let yourself slip up and how could you fall? I've always been here. But where were you?

this has nothing to do with my sleep cycle. because i know if i climb into bed, i will sleep. but i don't want to. i prefer days to be short and nights to be long. i love being up when no one's about. there's then a good reason to be alone.

i love christmas but i love it a different way each year.

this year is full of misunderstood intentions. but nobody really knows why and what has happened to me. nobody really has to know i guess.

goodnight.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.

this place has been collecting dust. will dust it when i feel like doing it. for now, adios.

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

you're pushing me further and further away from you.

Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

i sure as hell didn't read the fine prints. and i always refused to do so. what's education when you don't experience?

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Some things don’t last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

what about those bad songs. the books you wished you never read. the memories you wished you could forget. they can't be taken out and unfolded because they never ceased to exist. every day of our lives they exist and whether we know it or we try to push it far behind at the back of our minds, they will always surface.

and yes, i recognise the person i see there because like all the bad songs and books and memories that exist, i too exist all these while and nothing has changed.

We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently, we were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored, to build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged, it was one of the best days of my life, a day during which I lived my life and didn’t think about my life at all.

but you know, ultimately i have to think about my life. how my life sucks sometimes because of some things that i have no control of. because of some decisions that were made and will always be made without approval, without consideration. because ultimately, i'm supposed to control my own life but everyone knows that it is quite impossible to take full control of it.

and i know, i still have to think about my life. i can't ignore what needs to be ignored. and a new world cannot be built from nothing in a world that cannot be salvaged.

Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.

i decided that i really love myself. the fool in me that is. the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

hello december. i am already dreading your goodbye.

I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.

p/s: i'm the little jumping lamb and you, you are the big fat ugly beast in front who leads blindly hehe.